The Next Miltons Pimp My Wedding Contest Is Off And Running. Enter Now If You Are Getting Married This Spring or Summer
Miltons is going to hook up your entire wedding, up to 8 groomsmen, with all the gear they need. Send in your email to pimpmylook@barstoolsprts.com and we’ll have stoolies vote for the winners. We’re loading up right now for the next Pimp My Wedding Contest so if you are getting married next Spring/Summer send in your nominations. The next winner will be announced November 11th.
The Groom
The Groomsmen
Reader Email
Dear Barstool,
So I have been anti wedding ever since I hit the age where you start realizing that getting married is something that’s actually within the realm of possibility in your life (like 28ish?). I am actually against a lot of traditions that I believe are really stupid. Saying “God bless” when someone sneezes. Why? Do we still believe that part of your soul is escaping your body every time that happens? In 2016? Really? “You do it because it’s polite.” There are plenty of other times when things leave our bodies without the lord’s blessing and we’re all fine. You now why we really do it? We say it because one jerk said it one time a bunch of years ago and now it’s become a thing. Just like weddings.
It used to be someone agreed to take your awful annoying daughter off your hands and you were so happy that you gave them some cows or a bunch of bales of hay or something. Then some rich jerk went out and decided to buy a diamond ring for the girl he was marrying….and guess what? Now we all have to buy rings. Then another wealthy douche was like “I’m gonna get a limo for me and my friends to drive around in that day.” Now we all need limos. Then another wealthy (probably British) guy was like “I’m getting a ring, a limo AND I’m gonna serve lobster and asparagus to all my guests on little crostini crackers for an hour before the party even starts.” It just keeps escalating. When does it end?! If things continue like this my future idiot son is gonna have to give out Cartier watches as favors at his wedding. God forbid I have a daughter. But I digress. I don’t like attention. I don’t want everyone looking at me at church. I don’t want everyone looking at me and expecting me to dance at a reception because I don’t like dancing and am awful at it. And I really don’t want people taking pictures of me for 2 days straight. I hate pictures and it’s obvious because I don’t know how to fake smile.
So as you’d expect, during the post-engagement negotiations my vote was to have no wedding at all and just go on an awesome vacation and have a little get together when we got back. The fiancé wanted the opposite. So naturally we compromised and are throwing a 200 guest blowout in Montauk this April that costs the same as a down payment on a house. That’s right. A 5 hour party instead of a house. So I’m gonna get married and have to keep living in stupid apartments in Hoboken with no central air for the foreseeable future. The things we do for love. Because we have no choice. Anyway, that’s only reason 2 that I need my wedding pimped.
What’s reason 1 you ask? Reason 1 is the gaggle of mutants that are my groomsmen. Look at these pictures. I can’t trot this freak show out in front of my new family in some off the rack number from Men’s Wearhouse. Can you imagine the horror on her family’s faces? The impression this will leave on my new father in law? To make this pile of slobs remotely presentable will require professional help. So I turn to you blog voters. Take some of this burden off my shoulders and put some lipstick on these pigs.
John the Groom